Reconnecting After a Conflict

When the Pastor and key leaders are not aligned, the church will not be effective. There will be times in the Pastor's journey where they will say or do something to upset a key leader, director or deacon. It is important that the Pastor, as the leader of the church, reach out to that individual to repair the relationship and bring them back into the purpose of the church.

These instances more often occur when a Pastor has not established strong baseline relationships that withstand these times of conflict and quickly come back into alignment. For that reason, it is crucial that Pastors deepen key relationships. However, there are ways that a Pastor can regain their relationship with the leader and regain organizational momentum.

If given the opportunity, we know the right words to say and have the desire to reconnect, but the opportunity doesn't always exist. The 10 suggestions below may help you access the opportunity or generate other creative ways to reconnect.

1. Catch the leader doing something honorable, creative, helpful and send them a thank you card (if the disconnect is serious) or a phone call.
2. Ask them to ride along with you for support as you make a visit to a church member's home.
3. Tell them a particular book has puzzled you as to how you can apply it or whether you should apply it in your church and would they mind reading it so you all can get together to discuss.
4. Invite them (and spouse) to your home for dinner. Keep is casual. Don't force the topic of dispute.
5. Copy them on an article that you found interesting and ask them to email you their thoughts.
6. Invite them and a friend of theirs to lunch to get their input on an upcoming message series. Having their friend there helps break the ice in conversation.
7. Ask your spouse to have coffee with their spouse and see where the conversation leads.
8. Speak highly of them in front of others. It will get back to them.
9. Send an "I miss your friendship" card and express your desire to meet.
10. Pray daily for them, their ministry and that God would allow you the opportunity to reconnect.

Recruiting Others to a Shared Vision

You likely already have the skill -- and have practiced it quite often -- of recruiting others to a shared vision. If you have been married a couple of years or more you are experienced. Just use that approach with others.

Recruiting others to a shared vision is the same process you use to convince your spouse that you need, really, really need a your own space or the latest “all my friends have one” purchase. By dissecting the approach you take with your spouse, you can use the same method (minus the romance) with others you want to join with you in a shared vision.

Before we approach our spouse with our thinking, we make sure we actually do some thinking. We prepare for the obvious questions:

Why do you want to do this?
What will it accomplish?
Why is it important to you?
What will it cost?
What are other alternatives?
Why do you need to pursue it now?
What is the benefit to you and me?

Once you have thought through your possible questions and have inspiring responses in mind, you now pick the right time to approach the subject. Timing and environment are very important. You make sure that you will be uninterrupted so they have time to ask their questions and discuss at length.

After introducing the new idea, you give them time to think about it, remind them why it is important to you and convey appreciation for their consideration. (Not your style -- try it. It works.)

If you don’t hear back from them in a reasonable amount of time, you follow up to see if they have additional questions and to gauge their acceptance. When an agreement is made, you routinely keep them posted as to progress to reinforce the wisdom of their decision and a reminder of their commitment to the cause.

This process of engaging others builds trust and experience for future partnership building. As the relationship deepens in trust (just like your marriage) you will grow more comfortable in applying the same loving approach with others on your team. Give it a try!