Difficult Conversations

Seems that church is a lab of sorts for difficult conversations. Most of these conversations should have a happy ending -- bringing healing to a relationship. They often don't because we avoid difficult conversations.

Where there are people there will be difficult conversations. People tend to create controversy. Egos are played out. Things are said that should have been kept quiet. Bad attitudes go undetected until too late. Secret agendas suffocate the good intentions of others. Mistakes are seen as targets to be fired upon rather than part of the journey of living.

Whatever the source, the dynamics of being a church will result in the need for difficult conversations. The need is always there, the desire to act on that need is often rare.

Most people avoid having a "heart to heart" with someone else. We wish that issues would simply fix themselves and we ignore the symptoms that the issue is growing worse. We do not like to talk to others about issues that could upset them. We fear confrontation, reprisal and the hurtful words in response that may follow. No doubt, engaging in a conversation that intends to address a difficult situation leaves us open to these risks. In the end, however, it is worth it and it is our responsibility to pursue the healing dialogue.

If you have a difficult conversation on your horizon, consider these helpful tips:

1. Timing is very important. A difficult conversation cannot be accomplished in a hallway passing. Pick a time when you feel the other person will have the fewest distractions and be the most rested.
2. Location, location, location. Find a place for your meeting that is private as well as a neutral territory. The chance that your conversation will be overheard or interrupted will significantly minimize the depth of the conversation.
3. Offer a generic yet meaningful invitation. If you are too specific in your invitation to meet -- "Hey Bob, I've been wanting to ask you why you are a jerk to the rest of the team so how about we get together for coffee tonight" -- will allow the other to build up the steam of defensiveness prior to your meeting. Instead go with: "Bob, would you have some time for me this week? I'd like to talk with you about something important."
4. Be prepared to walk down the path of denial, victimization and possibility. In other words, it will take some time for the other person to see themselves in the role that you describe them. We don't often see ourselves as others do, so give them some time to deny, point to others and then gradually accept there may be a shred of truth in this conversation.
5. Insist on getting back together. Don't leave them to struggle in isolation with what you have dropped in their lap. Ask them to think about it a couple of days and to call you or plan to get back together. The greatest potential for discipleship and healing comes in the follow-up.
6. Stay true to your promises. If you promise confidentiality, not a word to anyone else. If you promise support, stay as close as a brother. If you promise to engage the assistance of others, do so without fail.
7. Learn from the mistakes of others. To be an effective encouragement in our church, we must always realize we too are capable of the same offenses we discuss with others. The humility of walking with someone through a struggle should be a constant reminder that we have our own failings. Someone who has walked through the journey becomes an effective guide for others who stray off the intended path.

The ability to effectively engage in difficult conversations places a tremendous responsibility on you to be the keeper of the faith in your church. Don't deny the opportunities that present or the ability to improve this important obligation to others.

Vocabulary is Important

“Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit -- you decide.” Proverbs 18:21, The Message

Vocabulary is important. However, we are so surrounded with words that we minimize their impact on our own well-being and that of others.

Tribal Leadership authors Logan, King and Fischer-Wright use one’s language to place individuals and their collective organization in various stages of development. They point to “a specific fingerprint made up of language that people use” to understand the person’s outlook on life including their work. Their premise is that when we change our vocabulary, we change our beliefs which in turn reinforces our new perspective and communication style.

Words have long been known to build up or tear down a child’s self-esteem and life-perspective. That impact appears to have a similar affect on adults. I have been surprised through my 25 years of leadership to find past employees who still remember a compliment I gave or kept a thank you note I sent many years ago. We hold to the admiration given to us by our leaders. That admiration reinforces a leader’s ability to “endear” those who follow to his or her leadership; which I believe is the strongest organizational connection to which a leader can aspire.

Words, of course, cannot be mere hollow scripts. Compliments and encouragement must be heart felt. Inquiries into a team member’s well-being must be genuine. Transparency on the part of the leader must be real. Words are a reflection of our inner-beliefs. While they can be used to manipulate on occasion, over time, they will always bear out deeper convictions.

The Proverbs teach at length about the incredible power of words. Words are the means by which others will interpret our values, follow our encouraging vision, and learn of unknown capabilities. We are cautioned to guard our words. We are told that our words convey wisdom and cultivate honesty. They are not merely words -- they are elements of teaching, healing and direction. They are to be used wisely.

If you find some under your leadership who lack confidence, consider what your words have done to put them in that diminished state. Have you thoughtlessly dismissed their thoughts with a quick dismissal of their ideas and a statement of your own thoughts?

Consider how your words have stripped them of motivation. Have you removed their accountability and responsibility by speaking to them as children?

If you find they are self-focused at the expense of the team, have your words conveyed your efforts are all about me, my or I? Our team will mimic our words and therefore adopt our beliefs.
Vocabulary is important. Proverbs 16:10 instructs that “A good leader motivates, doesn’t mislead, doesn’t exploit.” Your words will determine your standing against that promise.

Courtesy of RodBrace.com